我们仨失散了（7）

阿圆屋里灯亮着，两只床都没有了，清洁工在扫地，正把一堆垃圾扫出门去。

The lights in Ayuan's room are on, both beds are gone, and the cleaner is sweeping the floor, pushing a pile of garbage out the door.

我认得一只鞋是阿圆的，她穿着进医院的。

I recognize one shoe as Ayuan's; she had worn it into the hospital.

我听到邻室的小马夫妇的话：“走了，睡着去的，这种病都是睡着去的。”

I hear the words of the young couple in the neighboring room: "Gone, she left in her sleep; people with this kind of illness always go in their sleep."

我的梦赶到西石槽。刘阿姨在我女婿家饭间尽头的长柜上坐着淌眼抹泪。

My dream rushes to the west stone trough. Aunt Liu is sitting on the long cabinet at the end of my son-in-law's dining room, weeping and wiping her tears.

我的女婿在自己屋里呆呆地坐着。他妈妈正和一个亲戚细谈阿圆的病，又谈她是怎么去的。

My son-in-law is sitting dazedly in his own room. His mother is discussing Ayuan's illness with a relative, and how she left us.

她说：钱瑗的病，她本人不知道，驿道上的爹妈当然也不知道。现在，他们也无从通知我们。

She says: Qian Yuan didn't know about her illness, and of course her parents along the post road didn't know either. Now they can’t inform us about it.

我的梦不愿留在那边，虽然精疲力竭，却一意要停到自己的老窝里去，安安静静地歇歇。

My dream is unwilling to stay over there; although exhausted, it insists on stopping by its own nest to rest quietly.

我的梦又回到三里河寓所，停在我自己的床头上消失了。

My dream returns to the Sanli River residence, stopping beside my own bedside before disappearing.

我睁眼身在客栈。我的心已结成一个疙疙瘩瘩的硬块，居然还能按规律匀匀地跳动。

I open my eyes and find myself in an inn. My heart has turned into a hard lump, yet it still beats regularly.

每跳一跳，就牵扯着肚肠一起痛。阿圆已经不在了，我变了梦也无从找到她；我也疲劳得无力变梦了。

With each beat, it pulls at my insides painfully. Ayuan is gone; I have changed, and the dream can no longer find her; I am too tired to change into a dream anymore.

驿道上又飘拂着嫩绿的长条，去年的落叶已经给北风扫净。我赶到钟书的船上，他正在等我。

On the post road, tender green leaves are fluttering again; last year's fallen leaves have been cleared away by the north wind. I hurry to the boat of Zhongshu, who is waiting for me.

他高烧退尽之后，往往又能稍稍恢复一些。

After his high fever subsided, he often managed to recover a little.

他问我：“阿圆呢?”

He asks me, "Where is Ayuan?"

我在他床前盘腿坐下，扶着床说：“她回去了！”

I sit cross-legged at his bedside, supporting myself on the bed and say, "She has gone back!"

“她什么??”

"What do you mean??"

“你叫她回自己家里去，她回到她自己家里去了。”

"You called for her to return to her own home, and she has gone back to her own home."

钟书很诧异地看着我，他说：“你也看见她了?”

Zhongshu looks at me in surprise and says, "Did you see her too?"

我说：“你也看见了。你叫我对她说，叫她回去。”

I reply, "You saw her too. You told me to say to her, to tell her to go back."

钟书着重说：“我看见的不是阿圆，不是实实在在的阿圆，不过我知道她是阿圆。我叫你去对阿圆说，叫她回去吧。”

Zhongshu emphasizes, "What I saw was not Ayuan, not the real Ayuan; but I know she is Ayuan. I want you to tell her to go back."

“你叫阿圆回自己家里去，她笑眯眯地放心了。她眼睛里泛出笑来，满面鲜花一般的笑，我从没看见她笑得这么美。爸爸叫她回去，她可以回去了，她可以放心了。”

"You told Ayuan to go back to her own home, and she smiled reassuringly. A smile blossomed in her eyes, a radiant smile like flowers blooming; I've never seen her smile so beautifully. When dad tells her to go back, she can go back; she can finally relax."

钟书凄然看着我说：“我知道她是不放心。她记挂着爸爸，放不下妈妈。我看她就是不放心，她直在抱歉。”

Zhongshu looks at me sadly and says, "I know she is not at ease. She cares about dad and can't let go of mom. I see that she is worried; she keeps feeling sorry."

古驿道上夫妻相失老人的眼睛是干枯的，只会心上流泪。

The eyes of elderly couples who have lost their partners on the ancient post road are dry, only able to cry inside.

女儿没有了，钟书眼里是灼热的痛和苦，他黯然看着我，我知道他心上也在流泪。

With his daughter gone, Zhongshu's eyes reflect burning pain and suffering; he looks at me gloomily, and I know his heart is also weeping.

我的手是冰冷的。我摸摸他的手，手心很烫，他的脉搏跳得很急促。钟书又发烧了。

My hands are cold. I touch his hand, which is warm and his pulse races. Zhongshu has developed a fever again.

我急忙告诉他，阿圆是在沉睡中去的。我把她的病情细细告诉他。

I hurriedly tell him that Ayuan left in her sleep. I explain her condition to him in detail.

她腰痛住院，已经是病的末期，幸亏病转入腰椎，只那一节小骨头痛，以后就上下神经断连，她没有痛感了。

She was hospitalized due to back pain, already at the final stage of illness. Fortunately, the illness shifted to her lumbar vertebrae; only that one little bone ached, and afterwards the nerves on and off lost connection, leaving her without pain.

她只是希望赶紧病好，陪妈妈看望爸爸，忍受了几次治疗。

She just hoped to recover quickly to accompany mom visiting dad and bore through several treatments.

现在她什么病都不怕了，什么都不用着急了，也不用起早贪黑忙个没完没了了。

Now she is no longer afraid of any illness; she doesn't need to rush anymore, nor busy herself from dawn till dusk endlessly.

我说，自从生了阿圆，永远牵心挂肚肠，以后就不用牵挂了。

I say that since Ayuan was born, my heart has been tied in knots; from now on, there’s no need to worry anymore.

我说是这么说，心上却牵扯得痛。钟书点头，却闭着眼睛。我知道他心上不仅痛惜圆圆，也在可怜我。

I say that, yet my heart is still pained. Zhongshu nods, eyes closed. I know his heart not only aches for Ayuan but also pities me.

我初住客栈，能轻快地变成一个梦。到这时，我的梦已经像沾了泥的杨花，飞不起来。

I initially stayed in the inn, could change effortlessly into a dream. By now, my dream has become like a willow catkin dipped in mud and can no longer rise.

我当初还想三个人同回三里河的家。

I once thought the three of us would return to our home by the Sanli River together.

自从失去阿圆，我内脏受伤，四肢也乏力，每天一脚一脚在驿道上走，总能走到船上，与钟书相会。

Since losing Ayuan, my insides are hurt, my limbs are weak; each day I walk one foot at a time along the post road, always making it to the boat to meet Zhongshu.

他已骨瘦如柴，我也老态龙钟。他没有力量说话，还强睁着眼睛招待我。

He has become thin as a rail; I too have aged. He no longer has the strength to speak but still forces his eyes open to greet me.

我忽然想到第一次船上相会时，他问我还做梦不做。我这时明白了。

I suddenly recall the first time we met on the boat; he asked me if I still dreamed. Now I understand.

我曾做过一个小梦，怪他一声不响地忽然走了。

I had a little dream, blaming him for leaving so suddenly without a word.

他现在故意慢慢儿走，让我一程一程送，尽量多聚聚，把一个小梦拉成一个万里长梦。

Now he is deliberately walking slowly, letting me accompany him step by step, trying to gather more moments, turning a small dream into a long, winding dream.

这我愿意。送一程，说一声再见，又能见到一面。

I am willing to accompany him, saying goodbye each leg of the way and managing to see him once more.

离别拉得长，是增加痛苦还是减少痛苦呢？我算不清。

Is prolonging the farewell an increase in pain or a reduction in pain? I can’t figure it out.

但是我陪他走得愈远，愈怕从此不见。

But the further I walk with him, the more I fear that we may never meet again.

杨柳又变成嫩绿的长条，又渐渐黄落，驿道上又满地落叶。

The willows have turned into tender green leaves and are gradually yellowing and falling; the post road is once again covered in fallen leaves.

那天我走出客栈，忽见门后有个石礅，和钟书船上的一模一样。我心里一惊。

That day I walked out of the inn and suddenly saw a stone platform behind the door, identical to that on Zhongshu's boat. I was startled.

谁上船偷了船上的东西？我摸摸衣袖上的别针，没敢问。

Who stole things from the boat? I checked the brooch on my sleeve and dared not ask.

我走着走着，看见迎面来了一男一女。我从没有在驿道上遇见什么过客。

As I walked, I saw a man and woman approaching. I had never encountered any passerby on the post road.

女的夹着一条跳板，男的拿着一枝长竹篙，分明是钟书船上的。

The woman was carrying a plank and the man held a long bamboo pole—clearly items from Zhongshu's boat.

我拦住他们说：“你们是什么人？这是船上的东西！”

I stopped them and said, "Who are you? These are things from the boat!"

男女两个理都不理，大踏步往客栈走去。他们大约就是我从未见过的艄公艄婆。

The couple ignored me and walked briskly to the inn. They were probably the boatman and boatwoman I had never seen before.

我一想不好，违犯警告了。一迟疑间，那两人已走远。

I thought that this was not good; I had violated a warning. In a moment of hesitation, the two had already gone far away.

我往前走去，却找不到惯见的斜坡。一路找去，没有斜坡，也没有船。

I walked further ahead but couldn’t find the familiar slope. Searching the way, there was neither slope nor boat.

前面没有路了。我走上一个山坡，拦在面前的是一座乱山。太阳落到山后去了。

There was no path ahead. I climbed a hillside, and in front of me stood a chaotic mountain. The sun had dipped behind the mountains.

我急着往上爬，想寻找河里的船。

I hurried up the slope, wanting to find the boat in the river.

昏暗中，能看到河的对岸也是山，河里飘荡着一只小船，一会儿给山石挡住，又看不见了。

In the dim light, I could see the opposite shore was also mountains; a small boat was drifting in the river, hidden behind rocks for a moment, then gone from sight.

我眼前一片昏黑，耳里好像能听到哗哗的水声。

Everything before me went dark, and I seemed to hear the rushing sound of water.

一个人在昏黑的乱山里攀登，时间是漫长的。

Alone in the dark, chaotic mountains, climbing seemed to stretch time endlessly.

我是否在山石坳处坐过，是否靠着大树背后歇过，我都模糊了。

I can't recall if I sat at a rocky hollow, or leaned against a big tree to rest; it's all hazy to me.

我只记得前一晚下船时，钟书强睁着眼睛招待我。

I only remember when I disembarked the previous evening, Zhongshu forced his eyes open to greet me.

我说：“你倦了，闭上眼，睡吧。”

I said, "You are tired; close your eyes and sleep."

他说：“绛，好好里（即‘好生过’）。”

He replied, “Jiang, take good care of yourself.”

我有没有说“明天见”呢？晨光熹微，背后远处太阳又出来了。

Did I say, “See you tomorrow?” The morning light was faint; in the distance, the sun was rising again.

我站在乱山顶上，前面是烟雾蒙蒙的一片云海。隔岸的山，比我这边还要高。

I stood atop the chaotic mountain, before me was a misty sea of clouds. The mountains across the river were even higher than those on this side.

被两山锁住的一道河流，从两山之间泻出，像瀑布，发出哗哗水声。

A river, locked between two mountains, spilled forth like a waterfall, making a rushing sound.

我眼看着一叶小舟随着瀑布冲泻出来，一道光似的冲入茫茫云海，变成了一个小点；看着看着，那小点也不见了。

I watched a small boat rush down with the waterfall, shooting into the vast sea of clouds, shrinking into a dot; as I watched, the dot disappeared too.

我但愿我能变成一块石头，屹立山头，守望着那个小点。

I only wish I could turn into a rock and stand on the mountain top, watching that little dot.

我自己问自己：山上的石头，是不是一个个女人变成的“望夫石”？

I ask myself: Are the stones on the mountain all women's hearts turned into "husband-watching stones"?

我实在不想动了，但愿变成一块石头，守望着我已经看不见的小船。

I truly don’t want to move anymore; I wish to become a stone, watching over the boat I can no longer see.

但是我只变成了一片黄叶，风一吹，就从乱石间飘落下去。

Yet I only turned into a yellow leaf; with a gust of wind, I was swept down from the rocky chaos.

我好劳累地爬上山头，却给风一下子扫落到古驿道上，一路上拍打着驿道往回扫去。

I painstakingly climbed to the mountain top, only to be blown down to the ancient post road; all the way, I was swept back, battered against the road.

我抚摸着一步步走过的驿道，一路上都是离情。

I touch the post road I walked step by step; every inch is filled with parting sentiment.

还没到客栈，一阵旋风把我卷入半空。我在空中打转，晕眩得闭上眼睛。

Even before reaching the inn, a gust of wind lifted me into the air. I spun in mid-air, dizzy, closing my eyes.

我睁开眼睛，我正落在往常变了梦歇宿的三里河卧房的床头。

When I opened my eyes, I found myself lying at the bedside of the Sanli River bedroom where I used to dream and rest.

不过三里河的家，已经不复是家，只是我的客栈了。

However, the home at Sanli River was no longer home, merely my inn now.