我们仨失散了（6）

阿圆吃了半条，剩半条让刘阿姨帮她吃完。阿圆的婆婆叫儿子送来她拿手的“妈咪鸡”，阿圆请小马吃，但他们夫妇只欣赏饺子。

A Yuan ate half of it and left the other half for Aunt Liu to finish. A Yuan's mother-in-law asked her son to send her the specialty "Mummy Chicken," and A Yuan invited Xiao Ma to eat, but the couple only appreciated dumplings.

小马包的饺子很大，阿圆只能吃两只。医院里能专为她炖鸡汤，每天都给阿圆炖西洋参汤。

The dumplings Xiao Ma made were huge, and A Yuan could only eat two. The hospital was able to specially make her chicken soup, and they brewed Western ginseng soup for A Yuan every day.

我女婿为她买了一只很小的电炉，能热一杯牛奶……

My son-in-law bought her a very small electric stove that could heat a cup of milk...

我谈到各种吃的东西，注意钟书是否有想吃的意思。他都毫无兴趣。

I talked about all sorts of food, paying attention to whether Zhong Shu showed any interest in eating. He was completely uninterested.

我又告诉他，阿圆住院后还曾为学校审定过什么教学计划。

I also told him that after A Yuan was hospitalized, she had even reviewed some teaching plans for the school.

阿圆天天看半本侦探小说，家里所有的侦探小说都搜罗了送进医院，连她朋友的侦探小说也送到医院去了。

A Yuan read half a detective novel every day, and all the detective novels in the house were collected and sent to the hospital, including those from her friends.

但阿圆不知是否精力减退，又改读菜谱了。我怕她是精力减退了，但是我没有说。

But A Yuan didn’t know whether her energy had declined and changed to reading cookbooks. I feared that her energy had decreased, but I didn't say it.

也许只是我在担心。我觉得她脸色渐变苍白。

Perhaps it was just me worrying. I noticed that her complexion was becoming pale.

我又告诉钟书，阿圆的朋友真不少，每天病房里都是献花。学校的同事、学生不断去看望。亲戚朋友都去，许多中学的老同学都去看她。

I told Zhong Shu again that A Yuan had many friends. Every day, her hospital room was filled with flowers. Colleagues and students from school kept coming to visit. Relatives and friends all went, and many of her old classmates from high school came to see her.

我认为她太劳神了，应该少见客人。但是我听西石槽那边说，圆圆觉得人家远道来访不易，她不肯让他们白跑。

I thought she was too mentally exhausted and should see fewer visitors. However, I heard from Xi Shicao that Yuan Yuan felt that it was not easy for people to come from far away and didn’t want to let them come for nothing.

我谈到亲戚朋友，注意钟书是否关切。但钟书漠无表情。

I mentioned relatives and friends, watching if Zhong Shu cared. But Zhong Shu was expressionless.

以前，每当阿圆到船上看望，他总强打精神。自从阿圆住院，他干脆都放松了。

In the past, whenever A Yuan went to the boat to visit, he always pretended to be spirited. Ever since A Yuan was hospitalized, he had completely relaxed.

他很倦怠，话也懒说，只听我讲，张开眼又闭上。我虽然天天见到他，只觉得他离我很遥远。

He was very fatigued, spoke lazily, and only listened to me, opening his eyes and closing them again. Although I saw him every day, I felt he was very distant from me.

阿圆呢？是我的梦找到了她，还是她只在我的梦里？我不知道。她脱了手套向我挥手，让我看到她的手而不是手套。

As for A Yuan? Was it my dream that found her, or was she only in my dream? I didn't know. She took off her gloves and waved to me, showing me her hand instead of the gloves.

可是我如今只有她为我织的手套与我相亲了。

But now I only had the gloves she knitted for me to have a close relationship with.

快过了半年，我听见她和我女婿通电话，她很高兴地说：医院特地为她赶制了一个护腰，是量着身体做的；她试过了，很服帖；医生说，等明天做完CT，让她换睡软床，她穿上护腰，可以在床上打滚。

It had been nearly half a year, and I heard her talking to my son-in-law on the phone. She happily said that the hospital specially made a waist protector for her, tailored to her body; she had tried it on and it fit well; the doctor said that after the CT the next day, she could change to a soft bed, and if she wore the waist protector, she could roll on the bed.

但是阿圆很瘦弱，屋里的大冰箱里塞满了她吃不下而剩下的东西。

However, A Yuan was very thin, and the big refrigerator in her room was filled with things she couldn't eat and had left over.

她正在脱落大把大把的头发。西石槽那边，我只听说她要一只帽子。

She was losing large clumps of hair. From Xi Shicao, I only heard that she wanted a hat.

我都没敢告诉钟书。他刚发过一次烧，正渐渐退烧，很倦怠。

I didn't dare tell Zhong Shu. He had just had a fever and was gradually recovering, feeling very lethargic.

我静静地陪着他，能不说的话，都不说了。我的种种忧虑，自个儿担着，不叫他分担了。

I quietly accompanied him, saying nothing that could be left unsaid. I carried all my worries by myself, not wanting him to share them.

第二晚我又到医院。阿圆戴着个帽子，还睡在硬床上，张着眼睛，不知在想什么。

The next night I went to the hospital again. A Yuan was wearing a hat, still sleeping on a hard bed, with her eyes wide open, not knowing what she was thinking.

刘阿姨接了电话，说是学校里打来的让她听。

Aunt Liu answered the phone, saying it was from the school for her to listen.

阿圆接了话筒说：“是的，嗯……我好着。今天护士、大夫，把我扛出去照CT，完了，说还不行呢。老伟过来了。硬床已经拆了，都换上软床了。可是照完CT，他们又把软床换去，搭上硬床。”

A Yuan took the phone and said, "Yes, um... I'm doing well. Today the nurse and doctor carried me out for a CT scan, but they said it's still not good. Lao Wei has come. The hard bed has been taken apart, and they have changed it to a soft bed. But after the CT, they changed it back to a hard bed."

她强打欢笑说：“穿了护腰一点儿不舒服，我宁愿不穿护腰，斯斯文文地平躺在硬床上；我不想打滚。”

She forced a smile and said, "Wearing the waist protector is a bit uncomfortable. I'd rather not wear it and lie flat elegantly on the hard bed; I don't want to roll around."

大夫来问她是否再做一个疗程。

The doctor came to ask her if she wanted to do another treatment.

阿圆很坚强地说：“做了见好，再做。我受得了。头发掉了会再长出来。”

A Yuan firmly said, "If it improves after the treatment, then I'll do it again. I can take it. My hair will grow back after falling out."

我听到隔壁那位“大款”和小马的谈话。

I heard the conversation between the "rich man" next door and Xiao Ma.

男的问：“她知道自己什么病吗？”

The man asked, "Does she know what disease she has?"

女的说：“她自己说，她得的是一种很特殊的结核病，潜伏了几十年又再发，就很厉害，得用重药。她很坚强。真坚强。只是她一直在惦着她的爹妈，说到妈妈就流眼泪。”

The woman said, "She said she has a very special type of tuberculosis that has been latent for decades and has relapsed severely, requiring heavy medication. She is very strong. Truly strong. But she has always been thinking about her parents, and she tears up when she mentions her mother."

我觉得我的心上给捅了一下，绽出一个血泡，像一只饱含着热泪的眼睛。

I felt a sharp pain in my heart, bursting like a blood bubble, like an eye filled with hot tears.

我不敢做梦了。可是我不敢不做梦。我握着锺书的手，一再对自己说，梦是反的。

I didn’t dare dream anymore. But I didn't dare not dream. I held Zhong Shu's hand, repeatedly telling myself that dreams are the opposite.

我想到她梦中醒来，看到自己孤零零躺在医院病房里，连梦里的妈妈都没有了。

I imagined her waking up from a dream, seeing herself lying all alone in the hospital room, even her mother in the dream no longer there.

而我的梦是十足无能的，只像个影子。我依偎着她，抚摸着她，她一点不觉得。

And my dream was utterly powerless, like a shadow. I cuddled her, touched her, but she didn’t feel a thing.

我知道梦是富有想象力的。想念得太狠了，就做噩梦。我连夜做噩梦。

I knew that dreams are imaginative. If I missed someone too intensely, I would have nightmares. I had nightmares all night long.

阿圆渐渐不进饮食。她头顶上吊着一袋紫红色的血，一袋白色的什么蛋白，大夫在她身上打通了什么管子，输送到她身上。

A Yuan gradually stopped eating. A bag of dark red blood was hanging above her head, a bag of something white was there too, and the doctor had connected some tubes to her, delivering something into her.

刘阿姨不停地用小勺舀着杯里的水，一勺一勺润她的嘴。

Aunt Liu was constantly using a small spoon to scoop water from a cup, one spoonful at a time to moisten her lips.

我心上连连地绽出一只又一只饱含热泪的眼睛。

I felt my heart bursting into one tear-filled eye after another.

有一晚，我女婿没回家，他也用小勺，一勺一勺地舀着杯子里的清水，润她的嘴。她直闭着眼睛睡。

One night, my son-in-law didn’t come home, and he too used a small spoon, scooping clear water from a cup, moistening her lips. She lay there with her eyes closed, asleep.

我不敢做梦了。可是我不敢不做梦。

I didn’t dare to dream anymore. But I didn’t dare not to dream.

我疲劳得都走不动了。我坐在钟书床前，握着他的手，把脸枕在他的床边。

I was so exhausted that I couldn’t walk anymore. I sat at Zhong Shu's bedside, holding his hand, resting my head on the side of his bed.

我一再对自己说：“梦是反的，梦是反的。”

I kept telling myself, "Dreams are the opposite, dreams are the opposite."

阿圆住院已超过一年，我太担心了。

A Yuan’s hospitalization had exceeded a year, and I was overly worried.

我抬头忽见阿圆从斜坡上走来，很轻健。她稳步走过跳板，走入船舱。

I looked up and suddenly saw A Yuan walking down the slope, very light and nimble. She stepped steadily across the bridge and walked into the cabin.

她温软亲热地叫了一声“娘”，然后挨着我坐下，叫一声“爸爸”。

She called out "Mom" warmly and affectionately, then sat next to me, calling out "Dad."

钟书睁开眼，睁大了眼睛，看着她，看着她，然后对我说：“叫阿圆回去。”

Zhong Shu opened his eyes wide, looking at her, looking at her, and then said to me, "Tell A Yuan to go back."

阿圆笑眯眯地说：“我已经好了，我的病完全好了，爸爸……”

A Yuan smiled and said, "I am better now, my illness is completely cured, Dad..."

钟书仍对我说：“叫阿圆回去，回家去。”

Zhong Shu still said to me, "Tell A Yuan to go back, go home."

我一手搂着阿圆，一面笑说：“我叫她回三里河去看家。”

I hugged A Yuan with one hand, laughing, saying, "I'll tell her to go back to Sanlihe to look after the house."

我心想梦是反的，阿圆回来了，可以陪我来来往往看望爸爸了。

I thought to myself that dreams are the opposite, A Yuan has come back and can visit Dad back and forth.

钟书说：“回到她自己家里去。”

Zhong Shu said, "She should go back to her own home."

“嗯，回西石槽去，和他们热闹热闹。”

"Yes, go back to Xi Shicao and have fun with them."

“西石槽究竟也不是她的家。叫她回到她自己家里去。”

"Xi Shicao is not really her home. Tell her to go back to her own home."

阿圆清澈的眼睛里，泛出了鲜花一样的微笑。

A Yuan's clear eyes sparkled with a blooming smile.

她说：“是的，爸爸，我就回去了。”

She said, "Yes, Dad, I will go back."

太阳已照进船头，我站起身，阿圆也站起身。

The sun had shone into the bow of the boat, I stood up, and A Yuan also stood up.

我说：“该走了，明天见！”

I said, "It's time to go, see you tomorrow!"

阿圆说：“爸爸，好好休息。”

A Yuan said, "Dad, take a good rest."

她先过跳板，我随后也走上斜坡。

She went over the bridge first, and I followed her up the slope.

我仿佛从梦魇中醒来。阿圆病好了！阿圆回来了！

It was as if I had awakened from a nightmare. A Yuan is well! A Yuan is back!

她拉我走上驿道，陪我往回走了几步。

She pulled me along the post road, accompanying me for a few steps as I walked back.

她扶着我说：“娘，你曾经有一个女儿，现在她要回去了。爸爸叫我回自己家里去。娘……娘……”

She supported me and said, "Mom, you once had a daughter, and now she's going back. Dad asked me to go back to my own home. Mom... Mom..."

她鲜花般的笑容还在我眼前，她温软亲热的一声声“娘”还在我耳边，但是，就在光天化日之下，一晃眼她没有了。

Her flower-like smile was still before my eyes, her warm and affectionate calls of "Mom" lingered in my ears, but just like that, in broad daylight, she suddenly disappeared.

就在这一瞬间，我也完全省悟了。

In that instant, I fully comprehended.

我防止跌倒，一手扶住旁边的柳树，四下里观看，一面低声说：“圆圆，阿圆，你走好，带着爸爸祝福回去。”

I prevented myself from falling, holding onto a nearby willow tree with one hand, looking around while whispering, "Yuan Yuan, A Yuan, safe travels, take Dad's blessings back with you."

我心上盖满了一只一只饱含热泪的眼睛，这时一齐流下泪来。

My heart was filled with tear-filled eyes, and at that moment, they all flowed down together.

我的手撑在树上，我的头枕在手上，胸中的热泪直往上涌，直涌到喉头。

My hand was propped against the tree, my head resting on my hand, the hot tears in my chest surged up, straight toward my throat.

我使劲咽住，但是我使的劲儿太大，满腔热泪把胸口挣裂了。

I tried hard to swallow, but I exerted too much force, and the overwhelming tears burst my chest.

只听得噼嗒一声，地下石片上掉落下一堆血肉模糊的东西。迎面的寒风，直往我胸口的窟窿里灌。

I heard a thud as a pile of bloody, messy pieces fell to the stone chips beneath. The cold wind rushed into the gaping hole in my chest.

我痛不可忍，忙蹲下把那血肉模糊的东西揉成一团往胸口里塞；幸亏血很多，把滓杂污物都洗干净了。

The pain was unbearable, and I quickly squatted down, trying to stuff that bloody, messy thing into my chest; fortunately, there was a lot of blood, which washed away the impurities.

我一手抓紧裂口，另一手压在上面护着，觉得恶心头晕，生怕倒在驿道上，踉踉跄跄，奔回客栈，跨进门，店家正要上闩。

I held the rupture tightly with one hand and pressed down on it with the other, feeling nauseous and dizzy, afraid I would collapse on the post road, staggering back to the inn, stepping through the door just as the shopkeeper was about to bolt it.

我站在灯光下，发现自己手上并没有血污，身上并没有裂口。

I stood under the light and found that my hands were not stained with blood, and my body had no rupture.

谁也没看见我有任何异乎寻常的地方。我的晚饭，照常在楼梯下的小桌上等着我。

No one had seen anything unusual about me. My dinner was, as usual, waiting for me on the small table at the bottom of the stairs.

我上楼倒在床上，抱着满腔满腹的痛变了一个痛梦，赶向西山脚下的医院。

I went upstairs and fell on the bed, embracing my chest full of pain, transformed into a painful dream, rushing towards the hospital at the foot of Xishan.