我们仨失散了（5）

阿圆每次回来，总有许多趣事讲给我们听，填满了我不做梦留下的空白。

Ayuan always has many interesting stories to share with us every time she returns, filling the gaps left by my dreams that never come true.

我们经常在船上相聚，她的额头和钟书的一样热烘烘，她也常常空声空气的咳嗽。

We often gather on the boat; her forehead is as warm as Zhongshu's, and she often coughs as if to clear the air.

我担心说：“你该去看看病，你‘打的’去‘打的’回。”

I worry and say, "You should see a doctor. You can take a taxi to and from."

她说，看过病了，是慢性支气管炎。

She replies that she has seen a doctor and has chronic bronchitis.

她笑着讲她挎着个大书包挤车，同车的一人嫌她，对她说：“大妈，您怎么还不退休？”

Laughing, she tells how she squeezed onto the bus with a big backpack, and a fellow passenger complained to her, saying, "Auntie, why haven't you retired yet?"

我说：“挤车来往费时间，时间不是金钱，时间是生命，记着。你来往都‘打的’。”

I say, "It takes time to travel by bus; time isn’t just money, it’s life. Keep that in mind and always take a taxi."

阿圆说：“‘打的’常给堵死在街上，前不能前，退不能退，还不如公交车快。”

Ayuan says, “Taking a taxi often gets stuck in traffic, unable to move forward or backward; it’s not faster than taking a bus.”

我的梦已经变得很沉重，但是圆圆出差回来，我每晚还是跟着她转。

My dreams have become very heavy, but when Ayuan returns from her business trip, I still follow her around every night.

我看见我的女婿在我家打电话，安排阿圆做核磁共振、做CT。我连夜梦魇。

I see my son-in-law making phone calls at my home, arranging for Ayuan to have an MRI and a CT scan. I have nightmares throughout the night.

一个晚上，我的女婿在我家连连地打电话，为阿圆托这人，托那人，请代挂专家号。后来总算挂上了。

One evening, my son-in-law keeps making calls from my house, asking this person and that person for help to book an expert's appointment. Finally, he manages to get it scheduled.

我疑疑惑惑地在古驿道上一脚一脚走。柳树一年四季变化最勤。

Confused, I walk along the ancient post road, one step at a time. The willows change the most throughout the seasons.

秋风刚一吹，柳叶就开始黄落，随着一阵一阵风，落下一批又一批叶子，冬天都变成光秃秃的寒柳。

As soon as the autumn wind blows, the willow leaves begin to turn yellow and fall. With each gust of wind, batches of leaves cascade down, and by winter, the willows become bare and cold.

春风还没吹，柳条上已经发芽，远看着已有绿意；柳树在春风里，就飘荡着嫩绿的长条。然后蒙蒙飞絮，要飞上一两个月。

Before the spring breeze has even arrived, buds have already sprouted on the willow branches, hinting at green from a distance; in the spring breeze, the willows sway gently, showcasing tender green shoots. Then, the catkins begin to float, likely for a month or two.

飞絮还没飞完，柳树都已绿树成荫。然后又一片片黄落，又变成光秃秃的寒柳。

Before the catkins have finished floating, the willows are already lush with shade. Then, once again, leaves fall, and the willows become bare and cold.

我在古驿道上，一脚一脚的，走了一年多。

I have been walking along the ancient post road for over a year.

这天很冷。我饭后又特地上楼去，戴上阿圆为我织的巴掌手套。

It’s very cold today. After dinner, I specially went upstairs to wear the palm gloves that Ayuan knitted for me.

下楼忽见阿圆靠柜台站着。她叫的一声“娘”，比往常更温软亲热。

As I came down, I suddenly saw Ayuan standing at the counter. When she called out "Mom," her tone was even softer and more affectionate than usual.

她前两天刚来过，不知为什么又来了。

She had just come by two days ago; I didn’t know why she was here again.

她说：“娘，我请长假了，医生说我旧病复发。”

She said, “Mom, I’ve taken a long leave. The doctor says my old illness has relapsed.”

她动动自己的右手食指——她小时候得过指骨节结核，休养了将近一年。

She moves her right index finger—it’s a reminder that she had a phalangeal tuberculosis as a child and had to recuperate for almost a year.

“这回在腰椎，我得住院。”她一点点挨近我，靠在我身上说：

“This time it’s in my lumbar spine; I need to be hospitalized.” She inches closer to me and leans against me, saying, “I want to see Dad, but my waist hurts so much that I can’t bend or move. I can only stand. Now Lao Wei (my son-in-law) is taking me to the hospital. The hospital is at the foot of Xishan Mountain, where the air is especially good. The doctor says that with six months to a year of rest, I will recover completely. I came specially to tell you, so Dad can be at ease. Lao Wei is waiting for me at the back door; he also wants to see Mom.”

“我想去看爸爸，可是我腰痛得不能弯，不能走动，只可以站着。现在老伟（我的女婿）送我住院去。医院在西山脚下，那里空气特好。医生说，休养半年到一年，就会完全好，我特地来告诉一声，叫爸爸放心。老伟在后门口等着我呢，他也想见见妈妈。”

She reminds me again, saying: “Mom, don’t go out the back door. Our car is waiting outside.”

她又提醒我说：“妈妈，你不要走出后门。我们的车就在外面等着。”

The shopkeeper opens the back door for us. I support her as we walk slowly. Outside, my son-in-law says a few words to me, reassuring me.

店家为我们拉开后门。我扶着她慢慢地走。门外我女婿和我说了几句话，他叫我放心。

I stand at the back door watching as he supports Ayuan's waist and helps her into a car waiting by the roadside. Ayuan rolls down the car window, takes off her gloves, and extends a small white hand, waving goodbye.

我站在后门口看他护着圆圆的腰，上了一辆等在路边的汽车。圆圆摇下汽车窗上的玻璃，脱掉手套，伸出一只小小的白手，只顾挥手。

I watch her car drive away, retreating back into the inn as the back door closes behind me. I wander alone up the post road.

我目送她的车去远了，退回客栈，后门随即关上。我惘惘然一个人从前门走上驿道。

The road is covered with fallen leaves, making the surface hard to see, and I need to walk carefully. I ponder whether I should tell Zhongshu or keep it from him.

驿道上铺满落叶，看不清路面，得小心着走。我想，是否该告诉钟书，还是瞒着他。

It’s impossible to hide it; I must tell him, as Ayuan came specifically to ask me to inform Dad.

瞒是瞒不住的，我得告诉，圆圆特地来叫我告诉爸爸的。

Zhongshu is already waiting for me and seems a bit angry, deliberately shutting his eyes and ignoring me.

钟书已经在等我，也许有点生气，故意闭上眼睛不理我。

I sit cross-legged in front of his bed as usual and slowly say, “Ayuan came just now to ask me to pass a message to Dad.”

我照常盘腿坐在他床前，慢慢地说：“刚才是阿圆来叫我给爸爸传几句话。”

He immediately opens his eyes wide. I relay Ayuan’s words to him delicately, emphasizing the doctor’s advice that resting for six months to a year would help her recover completely.

他立即张大了眼睛。我就把阿圆的话，委婉地向他传达，强调医生说的休养半年到一年就能完全养好。

I explain: Nowadays there are medicines available to treat what once had none; with a rest period of six months to a year, she will be fine. Ayuan wants Dad to be at ease.

我说：从前是没药可治的，现在有药了，休息半年到一年，就完全好了。阿圆叫爸爸放心。

Zhongshu listens in silence for a long time. Then, unexpectedly, he says, “Bad things have turned into good things; she can take a good break now. Once she recovers, she can also put down her burdens.”

钟书听了好久不说话。然后，他很出我意外地说：“坏事变好事，她可以好好地休息一下了。等好了，也可以卸下担子。”

These words provide me with great comfort. Because Ayuan is chubby, with rosy cheeks, no one would spare her rest; now that she is sick, she cannot push herself anymore. It’s time for her to rest, which should be a good thing.

这话也给我很大的安慰。因为阿圆胖乎乎的，脸上红扑扑的，谁也不会让她休息；现在有了病，她自己也不能再鞭策自己。趁早休息，该是好事。

We quietly reminisce about the past: Ayuan’s childhood illnesses, past exhaustion, past worries, past hopes…

我们静静地回忆旧事：阿圆小时候一次两次的病，过去的劳累，过去的忧虑，过去的希望……

I hold Zhongshu’s hand, and he holds mine back, as if reassuring me not to worry.

我握着钟书的手，他也握握我的手，好像是叫我别愁。

On my way back to the inn, my mind is heavy with thoughts. Ayuan has gone to the hospital; where will I find her? I must find her.

回客栈的路上，我心事重重。阿圆住到了医院去，我到哪里去找她呢？我得找到她。

I have to have a laborious dream. I barely ate a few bites of food before going to bed. I transformed into a very heavy dream.

我得做一个很劳累的梦。我没吃几口饭就上床睡了。我变成了一个很沉重的梦。

My dream takes me to the back door of the inn, and it seems that small white hand is still beckoning to me.

我的梦跑到客栈的后门外，那只小小的白手好像还在招我。

In a daze, I can always see her little white hand before my eyes. Xishan is visible even in the dark.

恍恍忽忽，总能看见她那只小小的白手在我眼前。西山是黑地里也望得见的。

I search all the way. I am familiar with areas like Tsinghua Garden and the Old Summer Palace, repeating "Ayuan, Ayuan," while the small white hand waves in front of me. Finally, I find her hospital among the tall ancient pines and cypress trees.

我一路找去。清华园、圆明园，那一带我都熟悉，我念着阿圆阿圆，那只小小的白手直在我前面挥着。我终于找到了她的医院，在苍松翠柏间。

Entering the hospital gate, I see a sign under the lights; it turns out I have walked into a cemetery. Oh no, I am having a nightmare.

进院门，灯光下看见一座牌坊，原来我走进了一座墓院。不好，我梦魇了。

But as I turn a corner, I see a small flat building, and Ayuan's little white hand is waving at me.

可是一拐弯我看见一所小小的平房，阿圆的小白手在招我。

I peer through the door and window and enter Ayuan’s hospital room. She is lying flat on a bed covered with white sheets, thick blankets draped over her, with no pillow in sight.

我透过门，透过窗，进了阿圆的病房。只见她平躺在一只铺着白单子的床上，盖着很厚的被子，没有枕头。

The bed looks very hard. There are two beds in the room. The other empty bed is slightly smaller, seeming more like a cot for an accompanying person rather than a hospital bed.

床看来很硬。屋里有两张床。另一只空床略小，不像病床，大约是陪住的人睡的。

A doctor and nurse are busy attending to her, but my son-in-law has already left.

有大夫和护士在她旁边忙着，我的女婿已经走了。

The room has two vases of flowers and one bouquet that has yet to bloom. The doctor and nurse quietly converse and then exit the patient room, entering an office. I want to follow them in to hear what they say, but I cannot.

屋里有两瓶花，还有一束没有解开的花，大夫和护士轻声交谈，然后一同走出病房，走进一间办公室。我想跟进去，听听他们怎么说，可是我走不进。

I return to Ayuan’s room, where she is obediently sleeping with her eyes closed. I snuggle up to her, patting her, but she is unaware.

我回到阿圆的病房里，阿圆闭着眼乖乖地睡呢。我偎着她，我拍着她，她都不知觉。

I don’t mind the exhaustion and rush to the west stone ditch, where I hear my son-in-law and his mother conversing, expressing relief for bringing a thick blanket, and he mentions wanting to install a phone by Ayuan's bedside and also getting a refrigerator.

我不嫌劳累，又赶到西石槽，听到我女婿和他妈妈在谈话，说幸亏带了那床厚被，他说要为阿圆床头安个电话，还要了一只冰箱。

I return to Ayuan's side; she is already sound asleep, and I am too exhausted to move, lingering by her bedside until I fade away.

生活护理今晚托清洁工兼顾，已经约定了一个姓刘的大妈。

I open my eyes in the inn’s bed. Did I really turn into a dream, following Ayuan's beckoning hand, finding her in the hospital? Is that possible? I think Ayuan might just be a figment from my dream.

我又回到阿圆那里，她已经睡熟，我劳累得不想动了，停在她床头边消失了。

She painfully inches closer to Mom, resting against her. I can feel the pain in her waist; I also sense her reluctance to leave Mom for the hospital, unwilling to leave me alone on the ancient post road.

我睁眼身在客栈的床上。我真的能变成一个梦，随着阿圆招我的手，找到了医院里的阿圆吗？有这种事吗？我想阿圆只是我梦里的人。

But I only hold her waist and slowly walk to the back door, handing her over to my son-in-law.

她负痛小步挨向妈妈，靠在妈妈身上，我能感受到她腰间的痛；我也能感觉到她舍不得离开妈妈去住医院，舍不得撇下我一人在古驿道上来来往往。

She bends down to sit in the car; it must hurt so much, but she still rolls down the car window, removes her gloves, and extends a hand toward Mom to wave goodbye, showing her reluctance.

但是我只抱着她的腰，缓步走到后门，把她交给了女婿。

My Ayuan, my only daughter, who always keeps me worried, whether in sleep or dreams, I can't shake her off. Thus, I created a dream, where I see Ayuan.

她上车弯腰坐下，一定都很痛很痛，可是她还是摇下汽车窗上的玻璃，脱下手套，伸出一个手向妈妈挥挥，她是依恋不舍。

It must be a dream of mine, right? I truly cannot determine whether my dream is real or fantasy. I don’t believe I can truly find her hospital.

我的阿圆，我唯一的女儿，永远叫我牵心挂肚的，睡里梦里也甩不掉，所以我就创造了一个梦境，看见了阿圆。

I arrive at Zhongshu’s boat as usual; he is waiting for me. I hold his hand, which is warm.

该是我做梦吧？我实在拿不定我的梦是虚是实。我不信真能找到她的医院。

I feel his forehead, also warm. Zhongshu has a fever, and so does Ayuan; that’s the only thing I am sure of.

我照常到了钟书的船上，他在等我。我握着他的手，手心是烫的。

Previously, I would tell him daily about Ayuan’s situation at home.

摸摸他的脑门子，也是热烘烘的。钟书是在发烧，阿圆也是在发烧，我确实知道的就这一点。

Now I describe Ayuan’s hospital room as I saw it in my dream, mentioning that my son-in-law intends to install a phone by her bedside and wants a refrigerator, etc. Zhongshu has never asked me how I know these things.

我以前每天总把阿圆在家的情况告诉他。

He only knows what’s happening in the house outside the ancient post road, while I, sitting with him in a boat on the post road, am sharing details about that side's home.

这回我就把梦中所见的阿圆病房，形容给他听，还说女婿准备为她床头接电话，为她要一只冰箱等等。钟书从来没问过我怎么会知道这些事。

I speak as though I’m at home, while he has already left home. What I tell him are matters from there. He listens with great concern.

他只在古驿道的一只船里，驿道以外，那边家里的事，我当然知道。

He doesn’t speak, but in his heart, he cares for Ayuan just as I do. Every day, I talk to him about what I see in my dreams regarding Ayuan.

我好比是在家里，他却已离开了家。我和他讲的，都是那边家里的事。他很关心地听着。

Although he has a fever and appears weak, he still listens intently.

他嘴里不说，心上和哦一样惦着阿圆。我每天和他谈梦里所见的阿圆。

I dream every night, residing in Ayuan’s hospital room. The phone has already been installed right by her bed. The flowers in her room are increasing in number.

他尽管发烧，精神很萎弱，但总关切地听。

On the small bed, Aunt Liu calls Ayuan "Professor Qian"; Ayuan does not allow her to call her a professor, so she calls her "Teacher Qian."

我每晚做梦，每晚都在阿圆的病房里。电话已经安上了，就在床边。她房里的花越来越多。

Aunt Liu and Teacher Qian get along very well. The doctors and nurses treat Qian Yuan well, referring to her as Qian Yuan.

睡在小床上的事刘阿姨，管阿圆叫钱教授，阿圆不准她称教授，她就称钱老师。

The hospital isn’t up to par with the one where Zhongshu is receiving surgery.

刘阿姨和钱老师相处得很好。医生护士对钱瑗都很好。她们称她钱瑗。

However, this small hospital is poorly managed and quite chaotic, but one could say it is very free.

医院的规格不高，不能和钟书动手术的医院相比。

I always visit Ayuan’s hospital in the evening. My son-in-law is no longer there; I turn into a dream and, without fear of fatigue, run back and forth, seeing Ayuan on this side and then going to hear my son-in-law’s conversation.

但是小医院里，管理不严，比较乱，也可说很自由。

I know about Ayuan’s condition thoroughly. While I’m still unsure if I can truly turn into a dream and see the real Ayuan, perhaps I am only in my dreams, seeing my dream version of Ayuan.

我因为每到阿圆的医院总在晚间，我的女婿已不在那里，我变成的梦，不怕劳累，总来回来回跑，看了这边的圆圆，又到那边去听女婿的谈话。

But I remember the warning from the post station. I dare not ask Zhongshu any questions; I can only talk to him about what he cares about. I share everything I have seen in my dreams with Zhongshu.

阿圆的情况我知道得还周全。我尽管拿不稳自己是否真的能变成一个梦，是否看到真的阿圆，也许我自己只在梦中，看到的只是我梦中的阿圆。

I tell him that there is a big refrigerator in Ayuan’s room because there are no smaller ones available. Neighbors often borrow the refrigerator, and Ayuan has made a few friends this way.

但是我切记着驿站的警告。我不敢向钟书提出任何问题，我只可以向他讲讲他记挂的事，我就把我梦里所看到的，一一讲给钟书听。

Next door lives a wealthy individual who is a manager at a restaurant; before being admitted, he refreshed his room and equipped it with a microwave and electric stove; his wife, named Xiaoma, brings fresh vegetables daily and cooks dinner for her husband.

我告诉他，阿圆房里有一只大冰箱，因为没有小的了。邻居要借用冰箱，阿圆都让人借用，由此结识了几个朋友。

Xiaoma is probably from Shanxi; Ayuan often shares stories from the "Four Clean-ups" period in Shanxi with her, and they hit it off well.

她隔壁住着一个“大款”，是某饭店的经理，入院前刷新了房间，还配备了微波炉和电炉；他的夫人叫小马，天天带来新鲜菜蔬，并为丈夫做晚饭。

Xiaoma frequently borrows Ayuan’s large refrigerator and often sends dumplings she made back to Ayuan. The kitchen staff who provide meals treat Ayuan especially well; once, they specifically prepared a fresh fish just for her, personally delivering it to her hospital room.

小马大约是山西人，圆圆常和她讲山西四清时期的事，两人很相投。

小马常借用阿圆的大冰箱，也常把自己包的饺子送阿圆吃。医院管饭的师傅待阿圆极好，一次特地为她做了一尾鲜鱼，亲自托着送进病房。