我们仨失散了（1）

这是一个“万里长梦”。梦境历历如真，醒来还如在梦中。但梦毕竟是梦，彻头彻尾完全是梦。

This is a "long dream." The dream is vivid as if it were real, and even upon waking, it still feels like being in a dream. But a dream is ultimately just a dream, entirely and thoroughly a dream.

已经是晚饭以后。他们父女两个玩得正酣。钟书怪可怜地大声求救：“娘，娘，阿圆欺我！”

It was already after dinner. The father and daughter were playing merrily. Zhong Shu pitifully shouted for help: “Mummy, Mummy, Ah Yuan is bullying me!”

阿圆理直气壮地喊：“Mummy 娘！爸爸做坏事！当场拿获！”（我们每个人都有许多称呼，随口叫。）

Ah Yuan confidently shouted back: “Mummy! Daddy is doing bad things! Caught red-handed!” (Each of us has many names, and we call out casually.)

“做坏事”就是在她屋里捣乱。

“Doing bad things” means messing around in her room.

我走进阿圆的卧房一看究竟。只见她床头枕上垒着高高一叠大辞典，上面放着一只四脚朝天的小板凳，凳脚上端端正正站着一双沾满尘土的皮鞋——显然是阿圆回家后刚脱下的，一只鞋里塞一个笔筒，里面有阿圆的毛笔、画笔、铅笔、圆珠笔凳，另一只鞋里塞一个扫床的笤帚把。

I walked into Ah Yuan’s bedroom to see what was going on. There, piled high on her pillow was a stack of large dictionaries, on top of which was a small stool, upside down, with a pair of dust-covered leather shoes standing neatly on the stool's legs—clearly the shoes Ah Yuan had just taken off after returning home. One shoe was stuffed with a pen holder containing her brushes, drawing pens, pencils, and ballpoint pens, while the other shoe contained a broom handle for sweeping the bed.

沿着枕头是阿圆带回家的大书包。接下是横放着的一本一本大小各式的书，后面拖着我给阿圆的长把“鞋拔”，大概算是尾巴。

Next to the pillow was Ah Yuan’s big backpack. Below it lay various books of different sizes and styles, dragged along by the long shoehorn I had given her, which could be considered a tail.

阿圆站在床和书桌间的夹道里，把爸爸拦在书桌和钢琴之间。阿圆得意地说：“当场拿获！”

Ah Yuan stood in the gap between the bed and the desk, blocking her dad from getting past the desk and the piano. With pride, she said, “Caught red-handed!”

钟书把自己缩得不能再小，紧闭着眼睛说：“我不在这里！”他笑得都站不直了。

Zhong Shu shrank as small as he could, tightly closing his eyes and saying, “I’m not here!” He was laughing so hard he could barely stand.

我隔着他的肚皮，也能看到他肚子里翻滚的笑浪。

Even from across his stomach, I could see the waves of laughter rolling inside him.

阿圆说：“有这种alibi吗？”（注：alibi，不在犯罪现场的证据。）

Ah Yuan asked, “Is there such an alibi?” (Note: alibi, evidence that one was not at the scene of the crime.)

我忍不住也笑了。三个人都在笑。客厅里的电话响了几声，我们才听到。

I couldn’t help but laugh too. All three of us were laughing. We only heard the phone ringing a few times in the living room after that.

接电话照例是我的事（写回信是钟书的事）。我赶忙去接。

Answering the phone was usually my job (writing letters was Zhong Shu’s job). I hurried to pick it up.

没听清是谁打来的，只听到对方找钱钟书去开会。我忙说：“钱钟书还病着呢，我是他的老伴儿，我代他请假吧。”

I couldn’t hear clearly who was calling, only that they were looking for Qian Zhong Shu to attend a meeting. I quickly said, “Qian Zhong Shu is still ill. I am his partner. Let me ask for leave for him.”

对方不理，只命令说：“明天报到，不带包，不带笔记本，上午九点有车来接。”

The caller ignored me, just commanding, “Report tomorrow, don’t bring a bag or a notebook. A car will come to pick you up at nine o'clock in the morning.”

我忙说：“请问在什么地点报到？我可以让司机同志来代他请假。”

I quickly asked, “May I ask where to report? I can have the driver come to ask for leave on his behalf.”

对方说：“地点在山上，司机找不到。明天上午九点有车来接。不带包，不带笔记本。上午九点。”电话就挂断了。

The caller replied, “The location is on the mountain, and the driver won’t be able to find it. A car will come to pick you up at nine o'clock in the morning. Don’t bring a bag or a notebook. At nine o'clock in the morning.” The call ended abruptly.

钟书和阿圆都已听到我的对答。钟书早一溜烟过来坐在我旁边的沙发上。

Zhong Shu and Ah Yuan had heard my replies. Zhong Shu quickly slipped over to sit next to me on the sofa.

阿圆也跟着出来，挨着爸爸，坐在沙发的扶手上。

Ah Yuan followed and sat on the arm of the sofa beside her dad.

她学得几句安慰小孩子的顺口溜，每逢爸爸“因病请假”，小儿赖学似的心虚害怕，就用来安慰爸爸：“提勒提勒耳朵，胡噜胡噜毛，我们的爸爸吓不着。”（“爸爸”原作“孩子”。）

She learned some comforting rhymes for small children, and whenever her dad took sick leave, feeling guilty like a child pretending not to study, she would use them to comfort him: “Tittle-tattle your ears, ruffle-ruffle your hair, our daddy isn’t scary.” (“Daddy” was originally “child.”)

我讲明了电话那边传来的话，很抱歉没敢问明开什么会。

I explained what had been said on the phone and apologized for not daring to ask what kind of meeting it was.

按说，钟书是八十四岁的老人了，又是大病之后，而且他也不担任什么需要他开会的职务。

According to the rules, Zhong Shu was already eighty-four years old, having just recovered from a serious illness, and he did not hold any position that would require him to attend a meeting.

我对钟书说：“明天车来，我代你去报到。”

I told Zhong Shu, “Tomorrow when the car comes, I’ll accompany you to report.”

钟书并不怪我不问问明白。他一声不响起身到卧房去，自己开了衣柜的门，取出他出门穿的衣服，挂在衣架上，还挑了一条干净手绢，放在衣袋里。

Zhong Shu didn’t blame me for not asking for clarification. He silently got up and went to the bedroom, opened the wardrobe, took out the clothes he would wear out, hung them on a hanger, and even picked a clean handkerchief to put in his pocket.

他是准备亲自去报到，不需我代表——他也许知道我不能代表。

He prepared to report himself, not requiring me to act as his representative—perhaps he knew I could not substitute for him.

我和阿圆还只顾琢磨开什么会。钟书没精打采地干完他的晚事（洗洗换换），乖乖地睡了。

Ah Yuan and I were still preoccupied with thinking about what kind of meeting it was. Zhong Shu completed his evening routine unhappily (washing and changing) and obediently went to bed.

他向例早睡早起，我晚睡晚起，阿圆晚睡早起。

He usually goes to bed early and wakes up early, while I stay up late and wake up late, and Ah Yuan goes to bed late and wakes up early.

第二天早上，阿圆老早做了自己的早饭，吃完到学校上课去。

The next morning, Ah Yuan got up early to prepare her breakfast, and after eating, she went to school for class.

我们两人的早饭总是钟书做的。他烧开了水，泡上浓香的红茶，热了牛奶（我们吃牛奶红茶），煮好老嫩合适的鸡蛋，用烤面包机烤好面包，从冰箱里拿出黄油、果酱等放在桌上。

It is always Zhong Shu who prepares breakfast for the two of us. He boils water, brews fragrant black tea, heats up milk (we drink milk with black tea), cooks the right eggs, toasts the bread in the toaster, and takes out butter and jam from the fridge to put on the table.

我起床和他一起吃早饭。然后我收拾饭桌，刷锅洗碗，等着他穿着整齐，就一同下楼散散步，等候汽车来接。

I got up to have breakfast with him. Then I cleared the table, washed the pots and dishes, and waited for him to get dressed neatly so we could go downstairs for a walk while waiting for the car to come.

将近九点，我们同站在楼门口等待。开来一辆大黑汽车，车里出来一个穿制服的司机。

Around nine o'clock, we both stood at the door waiting. A big black car arrived, and a driver in uniform got out.

他问明钱钟书的身分，就开了车门，让他上车。随即关上车门，好像防我跟上去似的。

He asked for Qian Zhong Shu's identity, then opened the car door and let him in. He immediately closed the door, as if to prevent me from following.

我站在楼门口，眼看着那辆车稳稳地开走了。我不识汽车是什么牌子，也没注意车牌的号码。

I stood at the door, watching that car drive steadily away. I didn’t recognize what make of car it was and didn’t pay attention to the license plate number.

我一个人上楼回家。自从去春钟书大病，我陪住医院护理，等到他病愈回家，我叫软头晕，成了风吹能倒的人。

I went back upstairs alone. Since Zhong Shu had fallen seriously ill in the spring, I had stayed in the hospital to care for him. When he recovered and returned home, I felt weak and dizzy, almost like someone who could be blown over by the wind.

近期我才硬朗起来，能独立行走，不再需扶墙摸壁。但是我常常觉得年纪不饶人，我已力不从心。

I had only recently regained my strength enough to walk independently, no longer needing to lean against walls. However, I often felt that age waits for no one, and I felt increasingly incapable.

我家的阿姨是钟点工。她在我家已做了十多年，因家境渐渐宽裕，她辞去别人家的工作，单做我一家。

Our maid is a part-time worker who has been with us for more than ten years. As our family’s financial situation gradually improved, she quit her other jobs and now only works for us.

我信任她，把铁门的钥匙也分一个给她栓在腰里。我们住医院，阿圆到学校上课，家里没人，她照样来我家工作。

I trust her enough to give her one of the keys to the iron gate to keep on her waist. While we stayed in the hospital, and Ah Yuan was at school, she consistently came to work at my home.

她看情况，间日来或每日来，我都随她。这天她来干完活儿就走了。

Depending on the situation, she would come every other day or every day, and I went along with her schedule. That day, after finishing her work, she left.

我焖了饭，捂在暖窝里；切好菜，等钟书回来了下锅炒；汤也炖好了，捂着。

I soaked some rice, keeping it warm; chopped vegetables, waiting for Zhong Shu to return so I could stir-fry them; and cooked some soup, covered and kept warm.

等待是烦心的。我叫自己别等，且埋头做我的工作。

Waiting is distressing. I told myself not to wait, and just dive into my work.

可是，说不等，却是急切的等，书也看不进，一个人在家团团转。快两点了，钟书还没回来。

But saying not to wait only made me wait eagerly, and I couldn’t concentrate on reading; I paced back and forth at home. It was almost two o’clock, and Zhong Shu still hadn’t returned.

我舀了半碗汤，泡两勺饭，胡乱吃下，躺着胡思乱想。想着想着，忽然动了一个可怕的念头。

I scooped half a bowl of soup, soaked a couple of scoops of rice, and ate haphazardly while lying down, letting my thoughts wander. Suddenly, a terrifying thought struck me.

我怎么能让钟书坐上一辆不知来路的汽车，开往不知哪里去呢？

How could I let Zhong Shu get into a car of unknown origin and go who knows where?

阿圆老晚才回家。我没吃晚饭，也忘了做。

Ah Yuan didn’t return home until late. I hadn’t eaten dinner and had even forgotten to make it.

阿姨买来大块嫩牛肉，阿圆会烤，我不会。我想用小火炖一锅好汤，做个罗宋汤，他们两个都爱吃。可是我直在焦虑，什么都忘了，只等阿圆回来为我解惑。

The maid had bought some tender beef; Ah Yuan could grill it, but I couldn’t. I wanted to make a good soup with a small fire, a borscht they both enjoyed. But I was too anxious, forgetting everything, just waiting for Ah Yuan to return so she could reassure me.

我自己饭量小，又没胃口，钟书老来食量也小，阿圆不在家的日子，我们做晚饭只图省事，吃得很简便。

I have a small appetite and no desire to eat, and Zhong Shu has also lost his appetite after his illness. On the days Ah Yuan is not home for dinner, we keep it simple to save trouble and eat very lightly.

阿圆在家吃晚饭，我只稍稍增加些分量。她劳累一天，回家备课，改卷子，总忙到夜深，常说：“妈妈，我饿饭。”

When Ah Yuan is home for dinner, I only slightly increase the portions. After a long day, she comes home to prepare lessons, grade papers, and works until late at night, often saying, “Mummy, I’m hungry.”

我心里抱歉，记着为她做丰盛的晚饭。可是这一年来，我病病歪歪，全靠阿圆费尽心思，也破费功夫，为我们两个做好吃的菜，哄我们多吃两口。

I feel sorry and remember to make a hearty dinner for her. But this past year, I've been sick, and it has been reliant on Ah Yuan’s efforts and hard work to prepare delicious meals for both of us, coaxing us to eat more.

她常说：“我读食谱，好比我查字典，一个字查三种字典，一个菜看三种食谱。”

She often says, “When I read recipes, it’s like looking up words in a dictionary; one word looks up three different dictionaries, and one dish looks at three different recipes.”

她已学到不少本领。她买了一只简单的烤箱，又买一只不简单的，精心为我们烤制各式鲜嫩的肉类，然后可怜巴巴地看我们是否欣赏。

She has learned quite a few skills. She bought a simple oven and another more sophisticated one, carefully roasting various tender meats for us and looking at us pitifully to see if we appreciated it.

我勉强吃了，味道确实很好，只是我病中没有胃口（钟书病后可能和我一样）。

I managed to eat, and it was indeed delicious, but I didn’t have an appetite due to illness (Zhong Shu might be the same as me after his sickness).

我怕她失望，总说：“好吃！”

I feared disappointing her, so I always said, “It’s delicious!”

她带信不信地感激说：“娘，谢谢你。”

She would express her gratefulness in disbelief as she said, “Mummy, thank you.”

或者看到爸爸吃，也说：“爸爸，谢谢你。”

Or, seeing Daddy eat, she would say, “Daddy, thank you.”

我们都笑她傻。她是为了我们的营养。我们吃得勉强，她也没趣，往往剩下很多她也没心思吃。

We all laughed at her silliness. She does all this for our nutrition. We ate reluctantly, and she too lost interest, often leaving a lot behind that she didn’t feel like eating.

我这一整天只顾折腾自己，连晚饭都没做。准备午饭用的一点蔬菜、几片平菇、几片薄薄的里脊是不经饱的。

I had been preoccupied all day, even forgetting to make dinner. The little vegetables and thin pork slices I had prepared for lunch were hardly enough.

那小锅的饭已经让我吃掉半碗了，阿圆又得饿饭。而且她还得为妈妈讲许多道理，叫妈妈别胡思乱想，自惊自扰。

By then, half of the small pot of rice was already eaten, and Ah Yuan would go hungry. Not to mention, she would have to advise me on many things, telling me not to overthink and disturb myself.

她说：“山上开会说不定要三天。”

She would say, “The meeting on the mountain might last three days.”

“住哪儿呢？毛巾、牙刷都没带。”

“Where will you stay? No towels or toothbrushes have been brought.”

她说：“招待的地方都会有的。”还打趣说：“妈妈要报派出所吗？”

She would reply, “The accommodation will be provided.” Then she jokingly asked, “Do you want to report to the police station, Mummy?”

我真想报派出所，可是怎么报呢？

I really wanted to report to the police station, but how would I do that?

阿圆给我愁得也没好生吃晚饭。她明天不必到学校去，可是她有改不完的卷子，备不完的功课。

Ah Yuan ended up worrying me so much that I couldn’t eat dinner properly. She didn’t have to go to school the next day, but she had piles of papers to grade and endless lessons to prepare.