想起外婆吐舌头的样子

想起外婆有个习惯性的小动作，就是吐舌头。通常这一动作会出现在她老人家做了错事之后。

I remember my grandmother had a habitual little action, which was sticking out her tongue. Usually, this action would appear after she had done something wrong.

而她做了错事通常会先掖着瞒着。比如打碎了糖罐子，就悄悄把碎片扫一扫，剩下的糖撮一撮，换个一模一样的罐子装了原样摆着。

And when she did something wrong, she would often try to hide it first. For example, if she broke a candy jar, she would quietly sweep up the shards, gather the remaining candies, and put them in an identical jar to display.

直到你问她：“糖为什么突然少了半罐子？”她才吐吐舌头，笑眯眯地坦白。

Until you asked her, "Why has the sugar suddenly decreased by half a jar?" only then would she stick out her tongue and grin sheepishly in confession.

金鱼死后，鱼缸一直空在那里，空了很久。有一天却发现鱼缸有些不对劲儿，似乎缩小了许多。

After the goldfish died, the fishbowl stayed empty for a long time. One day, however, I noticed something strange about the fishbowl; it seemed to have shrunk quite a bit.

端起来左看右看，没错，是瘦了两三寸。逮住外婆一问，果然，是她老人家打碎后又悄悄去市场买回一个。

Holding it up and looking from side to side, indeed, it was two or three inches thinner. I caught my grandmother and asked, and sure enough, she had broken it and quietly bought a new one from the market.

大约是原样大小的有些贵了，便买了小一号。还自以为神不知鬼不觉呢。

Perhaps it was a bit expensive for the original size, so she bought one a size smaller, thinking no one would notice.

当然，被揭穿后，也只是吐了一下舌头而已。

Of course, after being exposed, she only stuck out her tongue.

吐舌头的外婆，飞快地把舌头吐一下，“对不起”和“气死你”两种意味水乳交融。

My grandmother, sticking out her tongue quickly, mixed the meanings of "I'm sorry" and "I’ll drive you crazy" seamlessly.

而且又吐得那么快，一转眼就神情如故，该干什么干什么去了。休想让她为做错的事情多愧疚一丝一毫。

And she stuck it out so quickly that in the blink of an eye, her expression returned to normal, and she went about her business as if she did not want to feel even the slightest guilt for what she had done wrong.

然后又想到外婆的竹林。

Then I thought of my grandmother's bamboo forest.

外婆的老家不是我的老家，我从没有在那里生活过。但想到外婆正是在那里的一间老瓦房里生活了近半个世纪，就觉得那里实在是一个无比温柔之处。

My grandmother's old home is not my old home; I have never lived there. But thinking of her living in an old tile-roofed house there for nearly half a century, I feel that it is indeed an incredibly gentle place.

老屋前前后后种着重重竹林，我从坡上走下来，一走进竹林，就听到外婆的声音。

In front and back of the old house are dense bamboo groves. As I walked down the slope, once I stepped into the bamboo grove, I could hear my grandmother's voice.

她正在塌了半边的老屋门口和一群乡下女子说笑。她手持长长的竹竿（后来，她用这竹竿为我从橘子树上捅下来许多鲜艳的橘子），站在那里大声揶揄其中一个女邻居，好像是在模仿她夫妻俩之间的什么事。

She was by the half-collapsed old house, joking with a group of country women. Holding a long bamboo pole (later, she used this pole to poke many bright tangerines down from the tangerine tree for me), she stood there teasing one of the female neighbors loudly, as if she was imitating something between her and her husband.

所有人笑得前仰后合。那女人又急又气，抡起巨大的竹扫帚挥打外婆的屁股。

Everyone was laughing so hard they could hardly stand. The woman became anxious and angry, swinging a large bamboo broom to hit my grandmother’s backside.

我站在半坡的竹林里看了好一会儿。当外婆和我们一起生活时，我们是否也给过她同样的快乐？

I stood in the bamboo grove halfway down the slope for a long time, wondering if we had ever given her the same joy when she lived with us.

那时她八十五岁了，已经离开我们两年，独自回到乡下的旧居，在仅剩的半间老屋里生活。

At that time, she was eighty-five, had been away from us for two years, and returned alone to her old home, living in the remaining half of an old house.

我一边大声喊外婆，一边从坡上走下来。所有人都回头仰望我来的方向。

As I called out “Grandma” loudly while walking down the slope, everyone turned to look in my direction.

外婆答应着，意犹未尽地继续数落着那个女人，继续大笑，一边向我迎上来。

Grandma responded, continuing to scold that woman with unquenched enthusiasm, laughing and coming toward me.

我从上往下看到旧屋天井里的青石台阶，看到一根竹管从后山伸向屋檐下的石槽，细细的清泉注满了石槽。世界似乎一开始就如此古老。

I saw the blue stone steps in the old house’s courtyard from above, saw a bamboo pipe stretching from the back mountain to the stone trough under the eaves, with a fine stream of clear water filling the trough. The world seemed as ancient as it started.

从来没想过，离开熟悉的地方会是这么可怕的事情！外婆终究没能老在老家的坟山里。

I never thought that leaving a familiar place could be such a terrifying thing! In the end, Grandma could not spend her old age in the grave mound of her hometown.

她孤零零地被埋在万里以外的戈壁荒滩中。好像她在死之后还得再重新开始一场适应新生活的漫长过程。

She was buried alone in a wasteland thousands of miles away. It seems she had to begin another long process of adapting to a new life after her death.

好像她孤独的、意志坚决的一生仍不曾结束。

It feels as if her lonely, resolutely lived life has yet to come to an end.

之前两天，我急赶慢赶，还是晚了一步。差了十个钟头。

Just two days before, I hurriedly rushed back, but I was still too late. I missed it by ten hours.

接到噩耗后，我仍然坐在夜班车上继续往家赶，往已经死去了的外婆身边赶。我知道她还在等我。

After receiving the bad news, I remained seated on the night bus continuing my journey home, heading toward my already deceased grandmother. I knew she was still waiting for me.

我不能勘破生死，但也能渐渐明白死亡的并不可怕。死亡不是断然的中止，而是对另外一场旅行的试探吧？

I cannot break through life and death, but I gradually understand that death is not something to fear. It is not a sudden stop but perhaps a tentative step towards another journey?

外婆死前有那么多强烈的意愿。她挣扎着要活，什么也不愿放弃。她还有那么多的挂念。

My grandmother had so many strong wishes before she died. She struggled to live and was not willing to give anything up. She still had so many concerns.

然而一旦落气，面容那么安和、轻松。像刚吐完舌头，刚满不在乎地承认了一个错误。

But once she took her last breath, her expression became so peaceful and relaxed. Like she had just stuck out her tongue, casually admitting a mistake.

死亡之后那辽阔空旷的安静感，是外婆最后为我所做的事情。

That vast, empty feeling of tranquility after death is the last thing my grandmother did for me.

以前念小学的时候，很多个清晨，我起床一看，早饭又是红苕稀饭和酸菜。就赌气不吃，饿着肚子去上学。

When I was in elementary school, many mornings, when I woke up, breakfast would again be sweet potato porridge and pickled vegetables. Out of spite, I would refuse to eat and go to school hungry.

因为我知道，不一会儿，外婆一定会追到学校来给我捎一只滚烫的红糖锅盔……那时我都上六年级了，六年级班设在六楼。

Because I knew, in a little while, my grandmother would surely chase after me to school with a steaming hot pot sticker... I was already in sixth grade, and the sixth-grade class was on the sixth floor.

八十岁的外婆，怀里揣着烫烫的锅盔，从一楼开始慢慢地爬楼梯。在早自习的琅琅书声中，一阶一阶向上。

At eighty, my grandmother, holding a hot pot sticker, slowly climbed the stairs from the first floor. Amidst the cheerful sounds of early study, she climbed step by step.

爬啊爬啊，最后终于出现在六楼我的教室门前……那是我所能体会到的最初的、最宽广的安静感……

Climbing and climbing, she finally appeared at the door of my classroom on the sixth floor... That was the earliest, most expansive feeling of tranquility I could ever comprehend.

在外婆给我带来的一场又一场安静之中，生命中的恶意一点点消散，渐渐开始澄明懂事起来。今天的我，似乎达到了生命中前所未有的勇敢状态，又似乎以后还会更加勇敢。

In the series of tranquility my grandmother brought me, the malice in life gradually dissolved, and I began to understand things more clearly. Today, I seem to have reached a state of unprecedented courage in my life, and it seems I will become even braver in the future.

又想起那一次，我拎了一只公鸡去乡下看外婆。独自走过漫长孤独的山路，几经周折才找到陌生的老屋。

I also recall that time I brought a rooster to visit my grandmother in the countryside. After walking a long, lonely mountain path, I finally found the unfamiliar old house after many twists and turns.

外婆迎上来对我说：“我很想你，我天天都在想你。”

My grandmother came up to me and said, "I miss you very much; I think of you every day."

外婆，你不要再想我了，你忘记我吧！忘记这一生里发生过的一切，忘记竹林，忘记小学的六楼。

Grandma, please don’t think of me anymore; forget me! Forget everything that happened in this life, forget the bamboo forest, forget the sixth floor of elementary school.

吐一吐舌头，继续你绵绵无期的命运。外婆，“痛苦”这东西，天生应该用来藏在心底，悲伤天生是要被努力节制的，受到的伤害和欺骗总得去原谅。

Stick out your tongue, and continue your endless fate. Grandma, "suffering" is something that should inherently be hidden in one's heart; sadness is something that should be actively controlled. One must learn to forgive the harm and betrayal received.

满不在乎的人不是无情的人……你常常对我说：“娟啊，其实你不结婚也是可以的，不生孩子也是可以的。你不要再受那些罪了。你妈妈不晓得这些，我晓得的……”

Those who are carefree are not unfeeling... You often tell me, "Juan, actually, you don’t have to get married, and you don’t have to have children. You don’t need to suffer those hardships anymore. Your mother doesn’t know about this, but I do..."

外婆，直到现在我才渐渐有些明白你的意思。虽然现在的我还是一团混沌，无可言说，无从解脱。

Grandma, it is only now that I gradually understand your meaning. Although I am still a mess, speechless, and unable to find liberation.

但能想象得到，若是自己也能活到九十六岁，仍然清清静静、了无牵挂，其实，也是认认真真对生命负了一场责。

But I can imagine, if I could live to ninety-six, still quietly and without burdens, it would actually be a serious responsibility to life.

最安静与最孤独的成长，也是能使人踏实、自信、强大、善良的。大不了，吐吐舌头而已……

The quietest and loneliest growth can also make a person grounded, confident, strong, and kind. At most, it’s just sticking out a tongue...