过年三记 - 有关外婆

外婆真讨厌。除夕大扫除，我们累得半死，她一点不帮忙，还尽添乱。嘴巴又刻薄，你要是说她两句，她能把你冲死。

Grandma is really annoying. During the New Year’s Eve cleaning, we were exhausted, and she didn't help at all; instead, she only made things more chaotic. Her words were also biting—if you said anything to her, she could snap back at you.

“外婆！刚扫了地，不要往地上吐瓜子壳了！”

"Grandma! I just swept the floor; don’t spit your sunflower seed shells on it!"

“咦，我吐我的，你扫你的。我往地上吐，又没往你脸上吐。”

“Eh, I’m spitting mine, you sweep your own. If I spit on the floor, I didn’t spit on your face.”

“外婆！不要乱翻我的包包！”

“Grandma! Don’t rummage through my bag!”

“这是你的啊？”

“Is this yours?”

“当然是我的！”

“Of course it is!”

“那它是长得像你还是跟着你姓？”

“Then does it look like you, or is it bearing your surname?”

“……”

“……”

“你这个老太婆！洗了手再拿筷子好不好？！”

“You old hag! Can you wash your hands before grabbing chopsticks?!”

“晓得啥子哟，不干不净——不得病……”

“Know what? If it’s not clean, it won’t cause illness…”

“……”

“……”

你在这边努力地擦洗灶台，忙得没鼻子没眼。她老人家却一会儿跑来打个岔，一会儿又跑来骚扰一番：“娟啊，今天嘛，过年。我嘛，来你屋里吃夜饭，空起手啥子也没拿，只带起来一个好东西，便宜卖给你吧！你买不买？”

While you are over here scrubbing the stove, busy as can be, she comes over to butt in every now and then and then runs off to disrupt again: “Juan, today is New Year’s. I came to your place for dinner empty-handed, only bringing a good thing; let me sell it to you cheap! Do you want to buy it?”

我百忙之中扭头一看，她笑眯眯地靠在厨房门上，两只手背在后面。隐约看到我给她买的绒毛小毛驴玩偶的尾巴。

In the middle of my busy work, I turned to look at her; she was smiling, leaning against the kitchen door, with both hands behind her back. I vaguely saw the tail of the plush donkey doll I bought for her.

“不买！”

“Not buying!”

“为什么不买？”

“Why not?”

“太贵。”

“Too expensive.”

“不贵不贵，只要两块钱。”

“It’s not expensive, just two bucks.”

“我只有五毛钱。”

“I only have fifty cents.”

“不行，最低一块五。”

“No way, the lowest is one dollar and fifty cents.”

我就不理她了。

I ignored her.

她在那儿又兴致勃勃地吹嘘了一会儿，见我这人实在没啥意思，就扭头去找赛虎：“赛虎，我有个好东西你买不买啊？”

She excitedly bragged there for a while. Seeing that I was really not interested, she turned to look for Saihu: “Saihu, I have a good thing, do you want to buy it?”

好容易忙完，一家人坐到一起开始吃饭。她就更兴奋了，一桌子就她的话多。

Finally done with the chores, the whole family sat down to eat together. She became even more excited, dominating the conversation at the table.

喝一口稀饭：“哎哟！哪个做的饭？煮熟就可以了嘛，哪么煮这么烫？”

After taking a sip of rice porridge: “Oh! Who made this meal? It just needs to be cooked, why is it so hot?”

用筷子在稀饭里搅一搅：“天老爷！清汤寡水的，老子要挽起裤脚跳下去才能捞到几颗米。”

Stirring the porridge with chopsticks: “Heavens! It’s so thin, I’d have to roll up my pants and jump in just to fish out a few grains of rice.”

又在菜里翻一翻：“我女娃子切的肉，鱼眼睛那么大，硬是找都找不到！”

She flipped through the dishes again: “My daughter cut the meat, the fish eyes are so big, yet I can’t even find it!”

找到一大块肉后赶紧放到嘴里：“呸呸呸！我女娃子硬是盐巴克，盐巴克……”

After finally finding a large piece of meat, she hurriedly put it in her mouth: “Phew! My daughter surely knows how to over-salt, over-salt…”

“盐巴克”的意思就是“盐的克星”、“盐的死对头”。我们夹口菜一尝：哪里咸啊？老太太分明是没事找事。

“Over-salt” means “the nemesis of salt” or “the worst enemy of salt.” We tried the dishes: where is it salty? The old lady is clearly just looking for trouble.

不管怎么说，大家在一起吃饭，总归是快乐的。外婆呢，虽然怪话多，又爱找茬，但所有人里就数她吃得最多。她喝完稀饭，又颤颤巍巍站起来。

No matter what, having everyone together for a meal is, after all, a joyful occasion. As for Grandma, although she talks too much and loves to pick on others, among everyone, she eats the most. After finishing her porridge, she shakily stood up.

“干什么？”

“What are you doing?”

“舀饭啊，再给我舀半碗，再给我舀一坨红苕……”

“Getting more rice! Scoop me another half bowl, and also give me a chunk of sweet potato…”