从你的全世界路过（1）

2004年的时候心灰意冷不想劳动，每天捧着电脑打牌，一打就是十几个钟头。

In 2004, feeling disheartened and unwilling to work, I spent my days playing cards on the computer for over ten hours straight.

但我的技术很差，毫无章法可言，唯一的优势是打字快，于是创造了自己的战术，叫作废话流。

But my skills were poor, lacking any strategy. My only advantage was that I could type quickly, so I devised my own tactic called “Nonsense Flow”.

一发牌，我就开始在聊天框里跟玩家说话：“赤焰天使，你娘舅最近身体好吗？”

As soon as the cards were dealt, I would start chatting in the message box with players: “Crimson Angel, how is your uncle’s health lately?”

“天使为嘛是赤焰的呢，会炖熟的，你过日子要小心。”

“Why is the angel crimson? Might as well stew it—be careful in life.”

“咦，苍凉之心，好久不见你怎么改名字了？”

“Hey, Melancholy Heart, long time no see! Why did you change your name?”

“毛茸茸你好，帮帮我可以吗，我膝盖肿肿的呢……”

“Furry, hello! Can you help me? My knees are swelling…”

结果很多玩家忍无可忍，啪啪啪乱出牌，骂一句“我去你大爷的”就退出了。

As a result, many players could no longer bear it, playing their cards randomly and leaving with a curse, “Damn it to your grandfather!”

这样我靠打字赢了打牌，赚到胜率75%。后来慢慢不管用，我又想了新招。

In this way, I relied on typing to win card games, achieving a win rate of 75%. Eventually, it became less effective, so I thought of a new strategy.

我在对话框里讲故事。

I started telling stories in the chat box.

系统发牌，我打字：“从前有个神父，他住的村子里最美的姑娘叫小芳。突然小芳怀孕了，死也不肯说是谁的孩子。村民就暴打她，要将她浸猪笼。

As the system dealt the cards, I typed: “Once upon a time, there was a priest, and in his village lived the most beautiful girl named Xiaofang. Suddenly, Xiaofang got pregnant and refused to disclose the father’s identity. The villagers violently beat her, intending to drown her in a pig cage.

小芳哭着说，是神父的呢。村民一起冲进教堂，神父没有否认，任凭他们打断了自己的双腿。过了二十年，奇迹发生了。”

Xiaofang cried out that it was the priest’s child. The villagers rushed into the church, and the priest did not deny it, allowing them to break his legs. Twenty years later, a miracle occurred.”

然后我就开始打牌。

Then I resumed playing.

对话框里一片混乱，其他三个人在号叫：“我弄死你啊，发生了什么奇迹？去你妹的，老子不打了，你讲话能不能完整点儿？”

The chat box erupted in chaos, with the other three players shouting: “I’ll kill you! What miracle happened? Screw you, I’m done playing, can you speak in complete thoughts?”

就这样，我的胜率再次冲到80%。

Once again, my win rate soared to 80%.

废话流名声大震，还有很多人来拜师。

The reputation of Nonsense Flow grew tremendously, and many people came seeking to learn from me.

我一看胜率都在50%以下，头衔全部还是“赤脚”，冷笑拒绝。

I noticed their win rates were all below 50%, with titles still being “Barefoot”, so I coldly declined.

正当我骄傲的时候，跟我合租的茅十八异军突起，自学成才。

Just when I was proud of my accomplishments, my housemate, Mao Shiba, emerged as a formidable talent, teaching himself the craft.

这狗东西太无耻，他发明的属于废话流分支：诅咒术。比如好端端地大家在打牌，茅十八打一行字：“大慈大悲普度众生观世音菩萨，圣洁的露水照耀世人，明亮的目光召唤平安，如果你想自己的父母健康，就请复述一遍，必须做到，否则出门被车撞死。”

This guy was so shameless; he invented a branch of Nonsense Flow: “Cursing Technique.” For instance, while everyone was playing cards, Mao Shiba would type: “Great mercy and compassion, Guanyin Bodhisattva, the pure dew illuminating all people, bright eyes calling for peace. If you want your parents to be healthy, please recite this again, you must do it; otherwise, you’ll be hit by a car if you go outside.”

我去你的三姑夫！

Damn your aunt!

当时强迫转发还不流行，被他这么一搞整个棋牌间里一片手忙脚乱，人人无心计算。

At that time, forced reshares weren't popular yet, but with him pulling this stunt, the entire room fell into disarray, and no one could focus on calculations.

一局没打完，他已经依次请过太上老君、上帝、耶和华、圣母马利亚、招财童子、唐明皇、金毛狮王谢逊、海的女儿……

Before I even finished a game, he had sequentially invoked the likes of Laozi, God, Jehovah, the Virgin Mary, the Money Bringing Boy, Emperor Tang Ming, the Lion King Xie Xun, the mermaid...

我输了。

I lost.

茅十八这人生活中安静沉默，连打电话都基本只有三个字：“喂。嗯。拜。”

Mao Shiba was quiet and reserved in life, even on phone calls, he usually spoke just three words: “Hello. Hmm. Bye.”

他成为废话流宗师，让我瞠目结舌。

He became a master of Nonsense Flow, leaving me speechless.

我跟茅十八的友谊一直维持着，2009年甚至一块儿自驾去稻城亚丁。

My friendship with Mao Shiba continued; in 2009, we even went on a road trip to Daocheng Yading together.

当时他带着自己的女朋友荔枝，开到冲古寺，景色如同画卷，层峦叠嶂的色彩扑面而来。

At that time, he brought his girlfriend, Litchi, and we drove to Chonggu Temple, where the scenery was like a painting, vibrant colors enveloping us.

我知道茅十八的打算，他紧张得发抖。

I knew Mao Shiba's intentions; he was nervous and trembling.

他跪在荔枝面前，说：“荔枝，你可以嫁给我吗？”

He knelt before Litchi and said, “Litchi, will you marry me?”

才一句话，后半句就哽咽了，那个“吗”字差点儿没发出来，将疑问句变成祈使句。

Just one phrase, the second half got choked up, and that final "Will you?" almost didn’t come out, turning the question into a command.

荔枝说：“怎么求婚也就一句话，你真够惜字如金的。”

Litchi responded, “Is that all you have for a proposal? You’re really choosy with your words.”

茅十八一边抽泣，一边说：“荔枝，你可以嫁给我吗？”

While sobbing, Mao Shiba repeated, “Litchi, will you marry me?”

荔枝说：“好的。”

Litchi said, “Okay.”

茅十八给荔枝戴戒指，手抖得几乎戴不上。我和其他两个朋友冒充千军万马，声嘶力竭地号叫，打滚。

Mao Shiba slipped the ring onto Litchi's finger, his hands shaking so much that it nearly wouldn’t go on. The other two friends and I pretended to be an army, shouting joyfully and rolling on the ground.

2010年荔枝生日，茅十八送的礼物是个导航仪。大家很震惊，这礼物过于奇特，难道有什么寓意？

In 2010, Litchi's birthday gift from Mao Shiba was a navigation device. Everyone was shocked; it was quite an unusual gift. Did it have any special meaning?

茅十八羞涩地说，他鼓捣了一个多月，把导航仪的语音文件全部换掉了。

Mao Shiba shyly explained that he had fiddled with it for over a month, completely changing the voice files.

我兴奋万分，逼着荔枝开车，一起检验茅十八的研究成果。

I was ecstatic and insisted that Litchi drive so we could test Mao Shiba's creation.

这一尝试，我彻底回想起茅十八称霸废话流的光荣战绩。

During this test, I completely recalled Mao Shiba's glorious achievements in Nonsense Flow.

在开车兜风的过程中，导航仪废话连篇：“完蛋，前面有摄像头。

As we drove around, the navigation device rambled on: “Oh no, there's a camera ahead.

这盘搞不定了，我找不到你想去的地方。大哥你睡醒没有，这地址错的啵？”

This situation can't be managed, I can’t find where you want to go. Bro, are you awake? This address is wrong, dude?”

大家乐不可支。

Everyone burst into laughter.

最牛×的是在等红灯时，导航仪里茅十八严肃地说：“手刹还拉好了？万一倒溜怎么办？你不要按喇叭，按喇叭搞什么啊，前头是个活闹鬼的话马上来干你，你又干不过他，老老实实等不行吗，哦，你没按喇叭，算老子没讲……”

The funniest moment was while waiting at a red light, the navigation device sternly said: “Did you pull the handbrake? What if it rolls back? Don’t honk, what are you honking for? If there’s a live ghost ahead that’s about to mess with you, you can’t handle him, can’t you just wait nicely? Oh, you didn’t honk; forget I said anything…”

大家笑得眼泪都出来了。荔枝笑得花枝乱颤，说：“你平时不吭声，怎么录音啰唆成这样？”

Everyone laughed until they were in tears. Litchi laughed so hard she shivered, saying, “You usually don’t speak; how come you recorded so much nonsense?”

茅十八说：“上次去稻城，你不是嫌导航仪太古板，不够人性化吗，我就改装了一下，以后开车你就不会觉得无聊了。”

Mao Shiba replied, “Last time in Daocheng, you said the navigation device was too rigid and not humanized enough, so I modified it. You won’t find driving boring anymore.”

荔枝拿起导航仪，随便一按，导航仪尖叫：“你不会是想关掉我吧，老子又没犯法，你关，你关，回头老子不做导航仪了，换根二极管做收音机，你咬我啊……”

Litchi took the navigation device, pressed a random button, and it screamed: “You don’t plan to turn me off, do you? I haven’t broken any laws! If you turn me off, I won’t be a navigation device anymore; I’ll just become a radio with a diode. Come at me if you dare…”

所有人叹服。

Everyone was speechless in admiration.

2011年，茅十八和荔枝分手。

In 2011, Mao Shiba and Litchi broke up.

荔枝把茅十八送她的所有东西装个盒子，送到我的酒吧。

Litchi packed all the things Mao Shiba had given her into a box and sent it to my bar.

我说：“茅十八还没来，在路上，你等他吗？”

I said, “Mao Shiba isn’t here yet; he’s on the way. Are you waiting for him?”

荔枝摇摇头，说：“不等啦，你替我还给他。”

Litchi shook her head, saying, “No need; you can return them for me.”

我说：“他有话想和你说的。”

I said, “He has something to say to you.”

荔枝说：“无所谓了，他一直说得很少。”

Litchi replied, “It doesn’t matter; he’s always said very little.”

我说：“荔枝，真的就这样？”

I asked, “Litchi, is it really going to be like this?”

荔枝走到门口，没回头，说：“我们不合适。”

Litchi walked to the door without looking back and said, “We’re not suitable.”

我说：“保重。”

I said, “Take care.”

荔枝说：“保重。”

Litchi responded, “Take care.”